The Escape of Alfonzo Salazar, Hoarder

This new piece at The City Desk marks the return of Miles Link (no_ghost) and the fourth paragraph is a wonderful thing.

NO! NO, DO NOT SKIP RIGHT TO THE FOURTH PARAGRAPH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

Read from the top, it's all about context! Come on, you're better than that! Do not make a liar of me for all of the wonderful things I told the Mayor of Omaha about you, okay?

So, go and read it. READ IT ALL.

But especially that fourth paragraph. There will also be music in your head as you visualize it.

Or, "visualise," for our Canadian readers.

THERE ARE ONLY THREE OPTIONS.

I chose number three.

Friday Facts: Discount Pork Credit Rebate A.M.

Written by David Andrews, Shek Baker, Jon Morris and myself.

Included within: Coyotes, George Orwell, “stabbing centrely amidst the fleshie organs" and much, much more.

NEXT WEEK: More things about things that are fake and in a city. A fake city.

THANK YOU FOR CLICKING, AS WELL AS READING.

In this image of Jenna Bush- anyone else think she looks a little like Ann/Egg/The Religious Chick/Whatshername?

It is Tuesday.

There are two things at which you should look.

ONE: At The City Desk, a new feature, Smorgasbord, by Kevin Eustice Church, which offers up brief reviews of the city's many, many fine restaurants.

REVIEWED: An Irish-Chinese joint, a BBQ joint and a fancy joint. Joint.

TWO: Over at Get Off The Internet, I survey online Barbaro fans' reactions to the tragic events of this past weekend's Kentucky Derby. My favorite thing is that there is apparently only one woman on their message board who holds the secret of animated gif candles.

BEHIND THE SCENES: I almost called Barbaro a 'Jesus horse,' but then I remembered that's what the dinosaurs were.

Yesterday, on This Week, the junior senator from New York sat down for an interview with George Stephanopoulos. One topic covered was her proposal to suspend the gas tax over the summer, in a plan, vaguely different from the presumptive Republican nominee's. When asked to defend the plan-

Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y.,  declined this morning to name a single economist who backs her call for a gas tax suspension.

"I'm not going to put my lot in with economists," Clinton said in an exclusive appearance on a special edition of "This Week" from Indianapolis.

In light of fierce criticism from economic experts, Clinton said, "We've been, for the last seven years, seeing a tremendous amount of government power and elite opinion basically behind policies that haven't worked well for the middle class and hard-working Americans. ... I know if we get it right, if we actually did it right, if we had a president who used all the tools of the presidency, we would design it in such a way that it would be implemented effectively."

Because, you know, a president who ignores expert and outside advice from all o' them elite intellectuals has served us so well over the last eight years.

Hey- what I said on Friday about The City Desk?

Upon further reflection, that was dumb. There will be new material over the next few weeks, starting tomorrow or Wednesday.

:: Wednesday evening, I had to cover a forum on urban design for work. It was being held at a local planning agency's offices. Very good turnout, but I realized that I didn't know a single person there, which is odd, because it was aimed at people around my age group in the same sort of industry. A couple of the panelists, I knew who they were, as they'd been to many events my organization has hosted, but I didn't know them well enough to actually mingle or say hello. It just seemed weird to me. I should know who someone- anyone in the community. Then, thinking about it for a bit, I'm not really involved in any sort of community or scene. I kind of envy the guys up in NY doing the Channel101 stuff or calamityjon for falling in with a bunch of comic folks so quickly after moving to Washington, or labrujah for the millions of things she's involved in. I've been here for four years this month and haven't really gotten involved with anything.

Which is entirely my fault, I know. But I just haven't felt particularly inspired to get into anything. Part of it is intimidation about approaching new things, part of it is laziness. My only stab at doing comedy, I've kind of become disinterested in. So, I mainly head home to watch tv or dick around on the interweb, looking at weblogs, playing games and reading news stories that make me annoyed with the general state of everything. On Wednesdays, when Laura has her weekly hangout with Mickie, I just sort of grab a book and head to a bar to have dinner. I should be doing something, anything, but I don't know what. I just feel like it's too late, somehow and I don't especially want to bother getting a bunch of new friends. My interests lie chiefly in "humor," drinking, narrow bands of history and maybe performing. It just feels like it's a bit too late to horn in on any sort of scene involving these things, as they'd be pretty well establihed and I'm too, I suppose the word would be "shy" to try getting in. Well, except for drinking. That's always easy to join in on.

Is any of this making sense? Has anyone else had this happen? What the hell did you do to get over it? Or, do you just suck it up and go home?

:: Somewhat associated- I think I'm finally, definitely letting The City Desk hit the trail. Everything I've been doing for it the last few months feels very repetitive, weak variations on "Oh, look at this weird thing that failed! How droll!" So- yeah, I think I'll let the url expire whenever it comes up and people will have to go elsewhere to find out the fake lie origin of the term "Black Friday." It just doesn't feel like much fun anymore and that's probably a good time to get out of something that was supposed to be an outlet for fun.

Of course, I reserve the right to reverse this months down the road, if I magically get interested again.

There are a couple of video games coming out in the next year or so that are games they apparently made for me.

Of course, they are only on consoles that I do not have and that are expensive. Also, they will not be on the Wii, which would be my preference, or the Wii versions will be markedly different.

Now- Interwebfriendslist, make the cases for the PS3 and XBox360, in terms of -

- Economics
- Available games
- Technology
- Required accessories
- Potpourri

Thank you.

This is a strange, beautiful photo.

From here, of course.

Denzel Washington films hijacking scenes for his new movie, The Taking of Pelham 123 on Sunday in New York City.

Huh. Didn't know they were doing a remake. I guess Denzel Washington isn't too bad for the Matthau role, if they have to do it. It could have been muc-

John Travolta co-stars in the thriller and plays the leader of the group of hijackers

NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NO. HELL NO.

What is J. Jonah Jameson yelling at the tv set?



Wang Chung concept suggested by kevin_church

What do you think it might be? More entries (including yours, perhaps?) are over at Seebelow.

At last night's basketball game, a video was shown on the scoreboard highlighting the fun that was had at the "block party" next to the stadium before the game.

The fun consisted of-

- Guitar Hero contest, with close-up shot of how the colors had been worn off of the controller buttons from thousands of fingers.
- Someone's college basement cover band.
- People having their hair sprayed Sixers' colors.
- People getting face paint.
- People eating.

AND MY FAVORITE-

- A gentleman getting a haircut.

Because nothing says playoff fever like a relaxing free haircut in the parking lot next to the arena before the game.

BONUS

The halftime entertainment consisted of a baton twirling team, who plied their wares to the rocking sound of "She's Not There," by the Zombies. A HIGH ENERGY SONG FOR SUCH A ROUTINE, INDEED.

It was better than Friday's halftime show, however, which featured hip-hop dancing mime guys. They were roundly booed by Sixers and Pistons fans alike, thus bringing a spirit of harmony and brotherhood to the Wachovia Center.

BONUS BONUS

Also on the scoreboard last night- a brief "comedy" bit featuring that popular old "separated at birth" saw. Detroit's Antonio McDeyss was paired up with Jar Jar Binks.

Now. Given the problems with that character in the past, and its perceived racial overtones, was that really the best one to pick for the joke?

You know what I like?

That this-
Opening the book on betting operation

It was a multimillion-dollar operation run by one of the biggest bookmakers in Philadelphia.

It included wiseguys and wannabes, gamblers and hustlers and, most surprising, a suspected hit man and the brother of his alleged victim.

Over 20 months, it generated more than $60 million in bets on professional and college sports.

...In the affidavit, Nicodemo is identified as a "prime suspect" in the unsolved gangland murder of John "Johnny Gongs" Casasanto. Casasanto was gunned down in his South Philadelphia rowhouse on Nov. 22, 2003.

Casasanto's brother, Stephen, 37, is another defendant in the Borgata case, charged with money laundering and promoting gambling.

According to FBI information cited in the affidavit, "Nicodemo was inducted in the Philadelphia LCN (La Cosa Nostra) Family . . . shortly after the contract murder of . . . John Casasanto."

Traditionally, participating in a murder is a requirement for formal initiation into a Cosa Nostra family.

This-
Anchors Stensland and Mendte lead a wild life

In what TV anchor Dawn Stensland calls a "Jethro and Elly May" experience, she and her husband, anchor Larry Mendte, helped save a newborn raccoon over the weekend..

And this-
Phila. researchers bring sight to the blind

Are all in the paper today because they all happened here and this city is just strange like that.

GOOD RIDDANCE.

Get the hell out of my town, you Detroit-turncoat-shitty-Isiah-Thomas-coaching-unleashing-upon-New-York-Arvin-Sloan-looking jerkass.

So, who's going to hire him before his grandma hip goes out again and he has to leave three months into a multi-year contract or something?

I have a new item over at Get Off The Internet.

THIS PAGE, IT HORRIFIES, TOP TO BOTTOM, STEM TO STERN!

- The giant beer!
- That grizzly chair!
- The teeth in that dog's mouth!
- Hell, even the gentleman with the boat SEEMS A LITTLE "OFF" SOMEHOW!

Also, from a discussion this morning at work, spurred by bags of ribbon-
Does hair from barber shops and beautifying salons just get thrown away? How well does it compact in a garbage truck? Does it twist up the works? At the landfill- does it decompose well with other materials, OR ARE THERE MASSIVE POCKETS OF HAIR IN LANDFILLS?

So, calamityjon just sent a link to a YouTube video featuring a guy WHO LOOKS A CREEPY AMOUNT LIKE ME-



I had the video up on my internet machine and a co-worker asked if it was me.

Video's Here. His accent is much thicker than mine.

Almost there.

I have a couple of things I'm working on. And one or two others from contributors. So, yeah, a solid almost-month of content or so in a couple of weeks!

SO- CNN now has this feature where you can buy a t-shirt with one of their online headlines on it.

BUT- You can manipulate it to say whatever you want, by changing the url.

FOR EXAMPLE.

I am not sure if you can order the altered shirts.

[via]

In (vague) relation to this post, here are OTHER AWESOME NAMES FOR CERAMIC SHOPS:

Feat of Clay
Less-Clay-More: The Discount Ceramics Emporium
Jars of Clay
A-Glazin' In the Sun
Paul Michael Glazers
Clay To Go!
Your Mom Will Lie and Say She Likes It Studios
Glaze Under Pressure
Glaze Under Fire
Glaze Kelly's (on the Main Line)

Now yours!

Also, there was even a live remote satellite truck for Chicago's CBS2 near the Bellevue (which brought us Legionnaire's Disease in the 70s. Look it up!).

HELLO, AMERICA, PENNSYLVANIA IS TAKING CARE OF YOUR ELECTION FOR YOU TODAY.

Honestly, living in this state commonwealth state the last month has just gotten annoying and tiresome.

I voted in a ceramics store this morning.

A couple of months ago, after we (finally) updated our registration to the new house, Laura and I checked out the address on the little cards. The only thing there was Amazing Glaze, a little store where you go in, pick out a ceramic piece, paint and glaze it and they fire it up for you. (Actually, that would be another good name for a business like that, "Fire It Up!") But yeah, that was a little bit on the strangish side.

Outside was a group of guys handing out cards for the head of the electrician's union, who's running for the Democrats' state senate slot. This guy- has his hands in everything and, to me, embodies many things wrong with this city's politicial system over the years, as funny as it may be. So, I didn't vote for him. In fact, Laura spotted a fun sticker this weekend- "John Dougherty's Thugs Can't Follow You Into the Voting Booth." So, it's that kind of thing, you see. I swear, if that guy gets the primary, I'm voting R for that seat come November.

There was a bible on the sign in table. Is that for emergency swearing-in of people?

I was a tad thrown, I have to admit, by the option of voting for our convention delegates- I always assumed that was done in some far-off mystical place by gentlemen with cigars. I don't remember having to do that in Michigan's primary.

Who did I vote for? I KNOW YOU CANNOT WAIT TO KNOW. The junior senator from Illinois. Though, since Ron Paul dropped out, I've largely been going through the motions.

The woman with large hair and wearing startlingly copious amounts of eye makeup for 8:03am was unsure of how to operate the machine from the back, so it may all be a wash, anyhow. But, at least, it made me feel better AND ISN'T THAT WHAT DEMOCRACY IS ALL ABOUT?

Things heard while in the voting booth:
-1-
LADY 1: I don't know, ask him.
LADY 2: Eddie!
GUY: What?
LADY 2: What if somebody comes in, they're not in the book, but they gotta card?
GUY: (pause, then annoyed) Hell, I don't know!
-GENERAL LAUGHTER-

-2-
GUY 2: Hey, who's gettin the Dunkin Donuts list together?

Audience videocam footage of the Venture Bros. Season Three preview video at the New York Comic Con.

Well, it looks even darker and weirder, somehow

:: Did I tell you about the eels show of a few weeks back? No? Okay, then. It was very good. The opening act was the BBC documentary about Mark Everett's father, featuring Mr. E himself. At first, I just thought it was going to be a promo clip for the BAFTA-nominated program, but nope- the full hour-long program was screened. Following was a spectacular, small show with only Mr. E and The Chet. The slight disappointment came at the end of the evening. Usually (well, every single time I've seen the group) there's a further encore awhile after the show ends and the house lights come up. A lot of folks in attendance stayed, thinking the same thing. Instead, we got surly hipster promotion company people telling us to go home. One guy even got pissed at me after I misinterpreted his "What are you doing?" for a "How are you doing?" and I just answered "Fine." He did not like that one bit.

But, overall, great show.

:: You know what I like a lot? Parentheticals in song titles. Here are some of my favorites-

"Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"
"What Is (Our Love to You?)"
"15 Minutes (Is All I Need, Baby)"
"What Is (That Man Doing in Our Bed?)"
"Loving Again (After So Many Years Away in Prison)"
"I'm Givin' Up (Giving Up)"
"What Is (A Question In My Mind For You)"
"Looking Around (Theme from 'Looking Around')"
"Stolen (From My Mind, a Song, the Turners Have (My 'Proud Mary'))"

NOW WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE SONG TITLES ALONG THESE LINES? GO!!

I have started to (very) occasionally contribute to getofftheinternet.org with a post I like to call "There is no cancer in Virtual Magic kingdom."

Get Off the Internet is a funny site which links to/is mean to really, really overzealous and nuts commenters around the interweb.

Hey, when did this whole thing start where I have to give my birthdate in order to buy DayQuil?

30 Rock - Um, a bit off, somehow. Or, was it just me? Actually- I suppose that doesn't matter, does it? It's my opinion. The look of things was very different somehow, the pacing... Alec Baldwin was good, as was Jack McBrayer. Everything else- just seemed slow and strange. The "Cathy" bit worked, if a bit too random. I don't know.

The Office - Uncomfortable and creepy and did not lose its stride. Still very funny,

:: HA, HA SUN, YOU SUCK

:: I do know who Morton Downey, Jr. is. It was more the idea of Chris Elliot playing any sort of weird character with Letterman laughing with a big cigar in the background, that brought up pleasant memories.

:: The 2008 Pulitzers have been announced and the Washington Post's Gene Weingarten won the feature category for a gimmicky little piece in which he arranged for a world-class violinist to play in a DC Metro station, to see whether or not passersby would spontaneously respond to the "beautiful music." Thing is, the story is a complete and utter piece of hackery.

From the title, "Pearls Before Breakfast," you sort of know which way this is going to go. Basically, a pulitzer was given to a highbrow Candid Camera segment in print, tut-tuting about how people can't appreciate beauty in day-to-day life. Well, stop the fucking presses. People didn't recognize a world-famous violinist out of his usual context, in the middle of rush hour in a busy subway station? O, to lament the coarsening of our society to-day!

In describing violinist Joshua Bell, Weingarten employs the following timely reference as a yardstick-

Bell's a heartthrob. Tall and handsome, he's got a Donny Osmond-like dose of the cutes, and, onstage, cute elides into hott. When he performs, he is usually the only man under the lights who is not in white tie and tails -- he walks out to a standing O, looking like Zorro, in black pants and an untucked black dress shirt, shirttail dangling. That cute Beatles-style mop top is also a strategic asset.

Oh, just go ahead and say he has Leif Garret's eyes and be done with it. Hey, what about Bobby Sherman? I hear he's "hott" with the young kids these days, too!

AS METRO STATIONS GO, L'ENFANT PLAZA IS MORE PLEBEIAN THAN MOST. Even before you arrive, it gets no respect. Metro conductors never seem to get it right: "Leh-fahn." "Layfont." "El'phant."

Oh, even those dim plebes in the transit system cannot understand true beauty in its most rarefied form! Why, they cannot even pronounce French names correctly! It is to laugh!

Even at this accelerated pace, though, the fiddler's movements remain fluid and graceful; he seems so apart from his audience -- unseen, unheard, otherworldly -- that you find yourself thinking that he's not really there. A ghost.

Only then do you see it: He is the one who is real. They are the ghosts.

Blargghhegghhh.

Really, Pulitzers? Really?

The implication here is that every one of the people who passed this gentleman by is some sort of uncultured Philistine because they did not stop to listen. Of course, the assumption is that classical music is the one pure form of music which no one can resist. Surely everyone must know who Joshua Bell is! If I were going through a subway station and, say, Eef Barzelay, a musician whom I enjoy, were just standing there, doing some busking, I'd stop and listen, without wringing my hands over the fact that other people hadn't stopped. Not everyone is going to stop. Not every kind of music reaches out and grabs every single person, no matter how much you fret and wish that it were so.

I usually like to think that the Pulitzers are an award of actual merit, that rewards good reporting and writing, but with this- this is just such a flawed and condescending story that I'm actually surprised it was able to pull down the big win.

Name me. Name me something better than, in the first part of this segment, the sight of Chris Elliot playing some insane character with a wig, while David Letterman sits back and smokes a big cigar.

YOU CANNOT.